Experiencing violence in a relationship is a terrible thing. And sometimes the violence begins when the relationship ends – when you try to break up. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been the recipient of more violence from women than I have ever committed toward them. But as I look back at an especially stressful time in my life, I realize that even when I was the victim of partner violence, I was still extremely lucky that my pursuer was a woman and that I was a man.
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The other day I was giving a talk about some of the benefits and challenges of working with men. I asked the group what helpful qualities men might bring to a workshop or training, and about what behaviours men might bring with them that could be problematic. My intention was to discuss the notion that men are gendered beings, and how we can best work with men whose words and actions might be endorsing some of the traditional messages about what it is that makes a man.
When I talk about men’s violence against women, an immediate response I often get from people is: But women do it too!
And they are right. Women can and do act violently. We men certainly have no monopoly when it comes to mistreating others. And if we stop for a moment to think about it, most of us can probably think of a man we know who was (or is currently being) mistreated by a woman.
Bullying, harassment, and other forms of violence toward gay men are an all too frequent and tragic reality in today’s society. These behaviours are a cultural hangover from our intolerant and bigoted past. Hopefully we will soon recover from this abusive history, and rid ourselves of these toxic acts.
Just as recovering from an alcohol-induced hangover can be aided by doing certain things to take care of ourselves physically, healing from this painful cultural hangover will also be greatly accelerated if we just take a moment to actively attend to it as well.
Mark Twain liked to say that there were three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.
What is she doing with that guy? I thought she was too smart to date a jerk like him!”I overheard someone say that the other day. When it comes to dealing with abusive relationships, I prefer to focus on the ways to contain the abuser and get him to eliminate his bad behaviours, but sometimes it is important to take time to address the questions that we hear about victims of abuse. And this is one that I hear a lot: Why do so many smart women make such bad choices when it comes to relationships?
The other day I was involved in a conversation about what men can do to stop rape. One of the participants was a young university student who is articulate, energetic, funny, and charismatic. He is also gay, and he doesn’t care who knows it. And that’s a real strength when it comes to doing men’s anti-violence work. Because when we men do this work, other people – mostly men – often either make the assumption that we are gay, or they try to level “gay” at us as an accusation.