When I talk about men’s violence against women, an immediate response I often get from people is: But women do it too!
And they are right. Women can and do act violently. We men certainly have no monopoly when it comes to mistreating others. And if we stop for a moment to think about it, most of us can probably think of a man we know who was (or is currently being) mistreated by a woman.
Doesn’t this fact, then, give lie to all those feminist claims about violence? You know, the assertions about how all men are perpetrators and all women victims? (After all, whole books have been written criticizing this “victim feminism” perspective that makes all women waifs and all men monsters.) Doesn’t the reality of female violence change the rules of the game?
In a word, no. This reality does not discredit these “feminist” stances because those stances don’t really exist. They are misrepresentations of the feminist critique of patriarchal violence. And, having been around organizations that work against sexual and domestic violence for over 20 years, let me assure you that the women who work in those places simply do not believe that all men are violent. Nor are they under the illusion that all women are innocent. It is not feminists who make the claim that “female = good” and “male = bad.” It is those who would discredit feminism who make those misrepresentations of feminist positions on these issues. They set up these “straw women” just so that they can knock them down.
Nonetheless, the reality of women’s violence against men does present a challenge for those of us who work against men’s violence against women. Women’s violence is not nearly as common as male violence, but it does happen. It disrupts our easy analysis that all relationship violence is working directly in service to the patriarchy. We need to find a way to address and respond to women’s violence.
First, we need to understand how women’s violence in relationships is often very different from men’s violence in relationships. Research shows that when compared to men’s violence, women’s violence is typically less extreme, less lethal, and more often in self-defence. Also, the cultural meaning of women’s violence is not the same. A woman slapping a man – while not an okay thing to do – is a far less extreme behaviour than a man slapping a woman. The woman’s slap communicates a message of “I am frustrated with you; you have been offensive to me.” A man slapping a woman, on the other hand, has more the connotation of “I am putting you back in your place, bitch.” Neither slap is okay, but the man’s is backed by the fist of the patriarchy.
The more extreme forms of female violence also are often linked to the abuse of hard drugs or to mental illness. The same is not necessarily true for men. Men in our society are capable of great violence without having it be a mark of intoxication or insanity. For example, women who kill their kids are often psychotic. Men who kill their kids, while certainly disturbed, tend not to be insane.
We need to understand how the impacts of women’s violence may be no different whatsoever. Over the years I have spoken with three men whose female partners or relatives pulled guns on them and threatened to shoot them. (I have spoken with over a dozen women whose male partners have done this!) To have someone point a gun at you and threaten to shoot you is terrorizing and terrifying, regardless of your gender – or theirs. So while in two of these cases the woman was on mind-altering drugs, and in the third case she was insane, the impact on the men was likely the same – terrifying and traumatizing. We absolutely need to acknowledge the great harm that these acts of violence can do.
Finally, we need to understand that patriarchal violence knows no gender. Some women will –just like male batterers – behave abusively in order to dominate and control their partner. This can happen in lesbian relationships as well as in heterosexual relationships, and it can be extremely painful for the victim. I know of one situation where a blind man was being abused by his sighted female partner. Her ability to dominate and control him was enhanced by the fact that she could negotiate the world so much more easily than he could. It may be “a man’s world,” but it is also very much a sighted person’s world! When it comes to issues of relative power, sometimes physical ability can trump gender.
But even men who are not disabled can find themselves on the receiving end of domination and abuse from their female partner. And while women lack access to the unearned power and privilege accorded to men in our male supremacist culture, some women have still learned the tactics of abuse, bullying, and domination all too well. You don’t have to be a patriarch to behave in these patriarchal ways!
As men, our victimization at the hands of women can become a source of empathy for – and not antipathy toward – feminism. Sometimes when I do trainings on issues of male violence, I encounter men who are very angry at having been victimized by women. Perhaps they were sexually exploited by an older woman when they were growing up. Perhaps their mother was abusive. Perhaps they have been abused by a female romantic partner. All of these things can happen. And none of them is acceptable.
But it strikes me as highly unfortunate when these men’s experiences lead them to have negative feelings toward women – and to oppose feminism. In my years working alongside feminist anti-violence agencies, I have come to believe that no one understands the dynamics of abuse and domination better – or has more empathy for the victims of these behaviours – than the feminists do. The fact that these organizations focus on the epidemic of men’s violence against women does not mean they are in denial about the occasional woman’s misdeeds toward men.
As a university student I was stalked by an ex-girlfriend. But for me this stressful experience led me to support – and not oppose – feminist endeavours to eliminate all forms of violence – including stalking! Just because I was one of the rare males being stalked by a female did not make me hate the feminist activists whose work might not directly address my issue. Instead, it made me appreciate their efforts, and I was able to relate to the pain of the women they were trying to help.
But who represents the voice of men who have been hurt by women – if the feminists aren’t doing it? As a man who has been victimized by a woman, let me say that I don’t need – and I certainly don’t expect – the feminists to represent me and my experiences. They are busy enough! And I can represent myself. But I also know that if I get tired, if I get lonely, I will find in them some of my strongest allies.
Feminist anti-violence activists have never blamed me for my own victimization. They have never denied it or minimized it. They have without exception been incredibly open, caring, and supportive... just so long as I approached them without hostility or attack. (Nothing tends to make a person – any person – feel more defensive than when she is attacked! If you attack a feminist, she may not counterattack, but you probably won’t get a lot of warm fuzzies coming your way, either!)
And there is simply no reason for me to attack feminists around my victimization at the hands of a woman. I deeply believe that we are not enemies in this struggle to end sexual and domestic violence. We are allies. I do not believe that just because they are focusing on women who are victimized that they somehow erase or negate my own experience. My having been victimized by a woman makes me comparatively rare. But I can live with that – with the understanding that my experience was closer to the exception than the rule.
The way forward toward ending all of these patriarchal behaviours of abuse, bullying, and domination will likely be through the leadership and brave efforts of these feminist agents of social change – and their few male allies. The patriarchal tools of abuse and oppression need to be eliminated, regardless of in whose hands they are being used. And it is the feminists who will continue to show us the way.