For the past few years there has been a lot of handwringing and chest beating about the supposed “boy crisis” in education. The argument goes something like this: “We have been paying far too much attention to girls. And that hurts boys.” (Evidence that the “boy crisis” is actually an antifeminist myth can be found here: http://www.aauw.org/learn/research/upload/whereGirlsAre.pdf).
Unlike a lot of the deep thinkers who have written big books about how our “emasculating, female-dominated schools” are short-changing boys, I have actually been spending a lot of time teaching in those schools. And it does in fact seem clear to me that many school-age boys are ill-prepared for life. But it is not feminism’s attention to girls that is leaving the boys behind. Rather, it is our society’s resistance to educating our boys about women’s liberation that is leaving them so poorly equipped to face the world they will soon encounter.
In case anyone didn’t already know, the women’s equality train has left the station and is headed down the track! And we need to help the young men who are lagging behind. We need to help them to catch up and jump on board. Failing that, these guys will simply be left back at the station, scratching their heads, and wondering where the hell all those young women went...
Sex differences about sex. I recently taught a unit on sexuality to seventeen year-old high school students. The focus wasn’t just on the biology of sexual reproduction, sexually transmitted infections, and pregnancy prevention. I also included a sex-positive approach to discussing issues of consent, exploring various sexual behaviours, and assessing one’s readiness for sexual activity. Overall, it seemed to be a positive experience for the young people. And I generally enjoyed the process as well. But looking back, what continues to trouble me were some of the antiquated and extremely limited ideas that a number of the young men kept voicing about women, about sex, and about homosexuality.
These young men were not shy about sharing their thoughts, their feelings, and their experiences. This was a good thing, I suppose. If they were thinking it, I would much rather have them say it than keep it to themselves. Then we could address it, discuss it, confront it, refute it. But it was tough to hear. Some of the things they were saying were pretty scary. Like the notion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to have sex with a girl who gets really drunk at a party. That it is somehow “unfair” when a girl who has agreed to have sex changes her mind once things start to get heated. That receiving fellatio is “awesome” but performing cunnilingus is “disgusting.” That anything “homo” is repugnant. These young men also did not hold back when it came to asserting their sense of innate superiority over all women.
The young women in the class, for their part, felt no need to express a sense of superiority over the boys. Instead, they expressed a desire to be equal. And they were not afraid to counter the boys’ regressive sexual attitudes. The girls believed that sex with a young woman who was too drunk to give consent was in fact rape. They thought that a sexual partner had the right to stop sexual activity at any time – even though they said that they too experienced sexual frustration when something like that happened. They insisted that they expected reciprocity when it came to oral sex. And they were far more open to issues of homosexuality. They didn’t reject friends who were gay or lesbian. They only cared that their friends were good people.
Feminism, it became clear to me, had reached these young women. They are coming into their power and expressing their independence. They are empowered, and they are on the move. And no amount of male heel dragging is going to stop them. While the boys were standing there busily asserting their superiority, the girls simply walked right on by.
Three choices. As offended as I was by many of the young men’s sexist and homophobic comments, I still found myself empathizing with their situation. It must be a terribly confusing time to be a 17 year-old boy. It seems that the girls are suddenly playing by a whole new set of rules – while the boys are re-enacting gender roles that have not changed significantly since... well, when? How are these roles all that different from the roles their fathers, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers embraced? They really aren’t. But what has changed is that if these young men want to have true partnerships with women now and in the future, they need to recognize that women have changed. And grandpa’s rules simply no longer apply.
It seems to me that these young men – all men, actually – have three choices when it comes to feminism. The first option is to resist. In a futile attempt to preserve what remains of our corrupt and degraded patriarchal power, we can throw our bodies down on the tracks and let the women’s equality train roll on over us. This tactic will only slightly slow the inevitable progress that women are making. And it will gain us nothing.
The second choice is to stand next to the track and watch the train pass us by – ignoring the hands that women are holding out to us, hands that invite us to jump on board as the train picks up speed. All too often, because we are not quite sure just where the train is heading, we decide not to get on board. And that’s too bad. By the time the train passes us by it will be too late – and we could well be missing the ride of our lives.
The third option – and to my mind the best option – is to jump on board! Let us grasp the hands that women are continually holding out to us! Let them help raise us up! Let’s accept women’s invitations to join them on this adventure! No one knows exactly what lies over the rise or around the next bend. But that’s part of the excitement! That’s part of the adventure! And what makes this all the more thrilling is that we have the opportunity to go forward into this fantastic future together!