The other day as I rushed to catch an elevator, I caught the eye of the sole occupant of the car – a woman who was already inside waiting for the doors to close. She gave me what I have come to think of as “the elevator look.” It is a look that seems to say: “Please don’t get in this elevator with me. I don’t want to be alone in here with you.” It’s similar to a look I see from some women when I ride the bus – “the please sit somewhere else look.” It says: “Please don’t sit next to me. I don’t know you, and I would prefer not having you invade my physical and/or psychological space.” And both of these looks remind me of “the walking through the dark parking lot look.” This last look is often the most intense of all. It says “Don’t grab me. Don’t rape me."
As I saw this woman’s “elevator look,” I was reminded of a time when I spoke with a man who found such looks enraging. He was simply infuriated that some woman – any woman – might not automatically be able to know that he was not a groper, not a rapist, and not a murderer. He was utterly offended that a woman might assume that he was capable of any kind of abuse or violence against her. After all, how could she not instantly know that he was one of the good guys???
Now, I always endeavour to be a fair-minded person, and to give ideas due consideration before accepting or rejecting them. So please allow me a moment to entertain his argument, which goes something like this:
Women of the world: please understand this! Even though I am a man, you have no reason whatsoever to fear me!
When I suddenly jump into the elevator alone with you, you have no reason to feel anxious!
When I plop myself down right next to you on the bus, you have no reason to feel uncomfortable!
When you hear my footsteps coming up behind you in the parking lot, you have no reason to feel afraid!
When I invite you into my office and I close the door behind you, you have no reason to feel uneasy!
When we’re on a date and I keep encouraging you to have another drink, you have no reason to feel wary!
When your car is broken down and I offer you a ride, you have no reason to feel apprehensive!
When I tell you an inappropriate joke, you have no reason to feel leery!
None of these things should make you feel nervous! Why? Simply because...
Even though over a third of women in Canada, the United States and Australia have experienced sexual violence (and these numbers are far higher in some other countries)...
And even though at least one in four women has experienced a rape...
And even though sexual violence often occurs at the hands of strangers...
And even though assaults by strangers are terrifying and often very violent...
And even though far more sexual violence actually occurs at the hands of men that women know...
And even though huge numbers of women experience sexual harassment and other unwanted forms of sexist behaviour in the workplace...
And even though research shows that the experience of sexual harassment can be as traumatizing as being raped...
And even though the vast majority of all of the people who do these things are men...
And even though psychological tests cannot distinguish between men who perpetrate these forms of abuse and men who do not...
You have no reason to worry! Because you, as a woman, should be omniscient! You ought to be able to read my mind, and know exactly what I am planning (or not planning) to do. My expectation is that you will do what no one else can do – predict who among us men will be violent. The cops can’t do this. The shrinks can’t do this. But as I rush to get in your elevator, you should be able to assess me in an instant! And, failing that, you should just trust me. Why? Because I say so!
Obviously his argument makes no sense. But it did give me something to think about after I halted my rush toward the woman in the elevator, and decided to wait for the next one.