In the past few years increasing numbers of men have begun publicly disclosing that they were sexually abused as children. I admire the bravery of these men who are coming forward – just as I have long admired all the brave women who have come forward with disclosures of their own. Four weeks ago U.S. Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts revealed in a book and in televised interviews that at 10 years old he himself was molested by a camp counselor. (His interview can be found here: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/41701121#41701121)
Male survivors have begun to organize around this issue, and the sexual abuse of boys is getting increased media attention. As more and more men come out as survivors, more services have begun to emerge to meet their specific needs. Hopefully some of the stigma associated with having been molested is finally beginning to diminish.
On being lucky. I am not a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself – but not because men and older boys didn’t try. They did. I was just lucky. I was lucky partially because my innately rebellious character as a child meant that I felt comfortable enough to tell a couple of would-be child molesters to get the hell away from me. I was also lucky because I simply did not happen to encounter situations where people were able to coerce me or manipulate me into being sexually abused. And, finally, I was lucky enough to have adults around who stepped in when something didn’t look right. When I was 13 years old, a male teacher invited me to go do a recreational activity with him. Alone. It sounded fun and I was interested. But to my parents the invitation seemed odd, and they forbade it. I was lucky.
However, I have many close friends who were not quite as lucky as I was, and who were sexually abused as children. A number of years ago I also facilitated a therapy group for male survivors of child sexual abuse and I heard their heartbreaking stories as well. As someone who cares about kids, who cares about men, who cares about healing, and who cares about justice, I care very deeply about this issue.
A lack of any social analysis of sexual abuse. But as I hear more and more of this incredibly important public conversation about the sexual abuse of males, I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the near-total absence of any serious examination of how our patriarchal society itself makes boys vulnerable. Senator Brown, for example, says that his experience of being abused led him to support stronger penalties for offenders and to work to enhance victim’s rights. These are probably good things, but his other political stances do nothing to protect children, and the bill he supports to establish the presumption of joint custody in cases of divorce – an issue championed by “Men’s Rights” activists – actually works against children’s best interests by limiting judicial discretion, and by subordinating the interests of the child to the desires of the parent.
The links between patriarchy and child sexual abuse. We live in a patriarchal world. We also live in a world where the sexual abuse of children is endemic. These two issues are deeply connected, and we will not significantly reduce the incidence of the sexual abuse of children – male or female – until we dismantle the rules of patriarchy itself. It is unfortunate that some of the most passionate advocates for male survivors seem to see the sexual abuse of boys only as a series of individual pathological/criminal acts, and fail to see how our larger patriarchal practices actually set the stage for the sexual exploitation of children. (In a future post I will address how male socialization itself is thought by some to lead men to sexually abuse children. Here I will just address how patriarchal structures facilitate such abuse.)
Patriarchy as defined and enacted. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, patriarchy is defined as a “social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power.” http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/patriarchy
Sometimes when we think of the victims of patriarchy, we focus only on the horrific treatment of women and girls. But it is important to remember that patriarchy is about adult male domination over everyone else – including all children, male and female. While there has been a lot of excellent stuff written about how the sexual abuse of girls is part and parcel of the evil of patriarchy, it is important to keep in mind that our society’s patriarchal norms and practices also work to facilitate the sexual abuse of boys.
In order for the patriarchy to endure, there are certain attitudes that must be enforced – attitudes that play right into the hands of abusers, and enable molestation to continue largely uninterrupted. Myths that support patriarchy and facilitate the abuse of children include:
Myth 1: Our male leaders are all good and moral people. The patriarchy maintains male supremacy by repeating the myth that society is a meritocracy. Men are proclaimed to have attained power through excellence alone. Women, it is claimed, are under-represented (or excluded entirely) not because of their gender, but because they are simply not the right man for the job. Our supposedly-superlative patriarchs in this putative meritocracy include priests, politicians, CEO’s, coaches, teachers, professors, bosses, police officers, scout leaders, and all other “pillars of the community.” It is asserted that these men are simply “the best,” and that they are in their positions of authority because they are just so damn good.
The patriarchy is a corrupt system where male leaders are venerated and children are considered unimportant. It encourages us to believe that allegations made against these men are simply not possible: “He is a pillar of the community! He could never have done such a bad thing!”
Myth 2: Men tell the truth. The patriarchy maintains male supremacy by declaring that what men say is the truth. We are the experts. It is we who have the power to name. We have the final word, and that word is assumed to be wise, rational, and logical. (This tendency to believe in men’s words helps to explain the credibility accorded to the often-idiotic, vitriolic political commentators who crowd the airwaves, and who are overwhelmingly male.) Men, we believe, simply tell the truth, and a thing becomes true simply because a man said it.
The patriarchy is a corrupt system where men are considered honest and children have no voice. It encourages us to believe what men say over any claims that a child may make: “The kid says that the coach did it, but the coach denies it. Are you really gonna believe a kid’s word over the coach?”
Myth 3: Young boys must have mentors who are also male. The patriarchy maintains male supremacy by promoting sexual segregation and enforcing the subjugation of females. In order to become true men, we are told, young males must be separated from femaleness and exposed to male role models who should become directly and intimately involved in their lives. It is assumed that females, regardless of their strength, their intelligence, their courage, their compassion, or their integrity, can simply never be up for the task of socializing young men. In this context, even the most lackluster of men outshines the most brilliant of women, for the task of turning boys into men is simply too critical to be left to females.
The patriarchy is a corrupt system where men get easy access to children and children have little say in the matter. It encourages us to believe that it is totally acceptable for men in multiple contexts (sports teams, scouting troops, church groups, etc.) to engage boys in private, one-on-one relationships, that this “alone time” between a man and a boy is a positive and normal thing, and that there is nothing to be concerned about: “I am so glad that the coach has taken a special interest in that boy. He can really use that kind of male guidance.”
Refuting the lies. These three dictates of patriarchy – that men’s goodness is not to be questioned, that men’s honesty is not to be doubted, and that men should have easy access to boys – all facilitate sexual abuse. And if we ever want to reduce the rate of the sexual abuse of boys, we need to throw out these assumptions. We need to replace them with some basic truths:
Some men are in fact bad. And some of these bad man are priests, politicians, CEO’s, coaches, teachers, professors, bosses, police officers, scout leaders, and other “pillars of the community.” Some of these bad men are probably men you know, and who may well hold positions of power in your own community. No one should get a free pass when it comes to ethical and appropriate behavior. Not even our leaders. Not when it comes to hurting children.
Some men tell lies. Just because a man said it does not make it true! Do not take things at face value just because a male said it was so. We never know when we are being lied to – so if someone who is around your kids makes you feel even a little bit cautious, or seems to resent your inquiries, err on the side of safety! Do not subject your kids to someone who you do not feel is 1000% trustworthy and who does not welcome “outside eyes” observing just what he is up to.
Positive mentoring knows no gender – and should never be private! Do not believe the myth that boys must be socialized by men. Women are every bit as capable of modeling strength of character, courage, integrity, compassion, and achievement. (Is there some magical trait only available to men that is missing from this list?) And having a female mentor can also serve to prepare boys for a world in which they will likely have female instructors, bosses and supervisors. A world where they will probably encounter female judges, doctors, and lawyers. It can only benefit boys to have solid early experiences interacting with and learning from strong women. Mentoring need not only come from males!
And mentoring of children should never be private! Because sexual abuse also knows no gender (a small portion of child sexual abuse is actually perpetrated by women), mentoring – whether by females or males – should not be done behind closed doors. These relationships should be conducted in the open, with witnesses, and preferably with other children and adults along. Scouts Canada now has the policy that no adult – male or female – is ever supposed to be alone with a child during a scouting activity. That’s a good policy. As a general rule, adults simply do not need to be alone with kids.
If an adult invites your child to go do something with him or her alone, find a way to go along yourself. Or simply forbid it – like the adults in my life did. Generally it is neither appropriate nor necessary for adults to interact with children on an individualized, isolated basis. And when it comes to trying to prevent child sexual abuse, we are all far better off being safe than sorry.
Help survivors, and prevent further abuse. Let us no longer blithely accept the lies of the patriarchy – the falsehoods that men are universally good, that men always tell the truth, and that men should have individualized and unsupervised access to our boy children. All of these stances only serve to reinforce male supremacy and to render our kids vulnerable to abuse. As we advocate for the needs of survivors – male and female – we must also work to dismantle the patriarchal structures that allow this abuse to occur in the first place.
This should be a charter of children's rights.